Beauty of a Heart of Gold

(Excerpt from a friend's blog)

well, i've been in austin for over a year now. and i would say i've changed more in the past year than i had in the previous 5 years, which is saying a lot. there have been some really high-highs and some really...really low-lows. but at least at this moment in time (even if not sometimes previously) i can look at it in a positive light and say that life is still beautiful in its own insane, elusive little way. if not miserable at times. (i'm not emo! damnit!)alas. i've come to some interesting conclusions (?) as of late that have given me a little fruit to the soul searching i've been doing for the past ten years. conclusions that, looking back, i probably should have come to a long time ago. but maybe it wasn't the right time then. conclusions that make me a bit more comfortable with who i am, as well as a little less confused. it makes me laugh a little now in retrospect. to put things into a little perspective...there's a man who lives outside my apartment...sometimes here, sometimes there. his refrigerators are the trash/dog shit cans along the sidewalk. he often sits on the bench out my window, i've heard him yelling incomprehensible exclamations to no one. or perhaps himself.

one time i walked past him and quietly said hi in passing, and he looked up, suprised, and mumbled something like a caveman who hasn't spoken to another soul in years. sometimes i want to go over and give him a hug. or a steak. when i walk around the corner of 5th and west, he's often sleeping on a staircase of the apartments across from mine. i feel like slipping him a twenty in his pocket, but i wonder how he'd react to a stranger up in his grill if he were to wake up. i used to be a little afraid of him. but now i feel like i'd kick some ass if anyone messed with him. i see other homeless people around downtown, but for some reason, i feel a strange affinity with this one. maybe it's his blue knee socks. or the way he plods along, his head and body bobbing side to side as he takes each step. maybe it's because he's so visibly alone in this world. something that tangibly expresses the feelings i've so often had even when surrounded by friends. i don't know...i wish i could give to him. but i feel as though whatever little i could give to him would be nearly meaningless, when what i really wish is to see him with abundant food, enough clothes to keep him warm, a home, a family, a smile.